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Post by Turwhitt on Feb 21, 2006 22:23:39 GMT
Sorry about this one:
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
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CptDark
TLC Fleet Member
Posts: 116
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Post by CptDark on Feb 21, 2006 22:34:38 GMT
lol burnt
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Post by CaptainHeff on Apr 24, 2006 17:10:17 GMT
A man had great tickets for the FA Cup final. As he sits down, another man comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest Sporting event in the world and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was Supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first FA Cup final that we haven't been to together Since we got married."
Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't You find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."
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Post by trencher on May 16, 2006 16:44:30 GMT
A pirate walks into a bar with a wooden steering wheel afixed to his pants. The bartender says, "You've got a big wheel stuck to ya!" The pirate replies, "Yar! 'Tis drivin' me nuts!" ;D For some real online piratical hilarity - check out what these World of Warcraft players did when a GM (Game Master) came to reprimand them and they slipped into Pirate speak and never came up for air: www.ocf.berkeley.edu/%7Esliny/wow_pirates.jpg(You have to enlarge the jpeg to read it).
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Post by stevewwb on May 16, 2006 20:02:38 GMT
lol
Nice thats the way to show her whos in chrge
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Post by steevodeevo on May 16, 2006 21:19:43 GMT
LOL superb, get the name o' that Pirate Guild and get em in TLC!
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Post by steevodeevo on May 16, 2006 21:22:21 GMT
I here's they be putting tiny parrots in te' wenches bodices. It's said that this'l stop the problem of wenches sayin us pirates always look at their love pillows but nere' talk to em' YARRRR!!!
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Post by CaptainHeff on Jun 27, 2006 18:06:54 GMT
The Battle of Trafalgar under 21st century style
"Order the signal, Hardy."
"Aye, aye sir."
"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
"Sorry sir?"
"'England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' What gobbledygook is this?"
"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
"That won't be possible, sir."
"What?"
"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
"What? This is mutiny."
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
"Actually, sir, we're not."
"We're not?"
"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."
"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
"What about sodomy?"
"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
"In that case, kiss me Hardy! "
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Post by blackhead on Jun 28, 2006 13:41:00 GMT
'The Battle of Trafalgar under 21st century style'
Haha but sadly so very true....
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Post by Turwhitt on Jun 28, 2006 14:49:02 GMT
Arf!
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Post by steevodeevo on Jun 28, 2006 19:05:56 GMT
it sounds like working in the NHS.
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Post by Bonnet on Jul 14, 2006 15:10:58 GMT
those are some funny jokes right there
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Post by steevodeevo on Jul 14, 2006 22:34:44 GMT
what de ye call a 3 foot pirate.......
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Post by Bonnet on Jul 14, 2006 22:58:12 GMT
what'd be steeve
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Post by steevodeevo on Jul 14, 2006 23:05:54 GMT
a Yarrr! dstick
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Post by Bonnet on Jul 14, 2006 23:34:28 GMT
A good original joke. *chuckle*
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Post by captainspyder on Nov 21, 2006 21:03:16 GMT
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says:
“Hey...It’s dark in here.” “Yes it is,” the man replies. “You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks. “No thanks,” the man replies. “My dad's out there...I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues. “OK. How much?” the man replies after considering the position he is in. “Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies. “TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
“Hey...It’s dark in here.” “Yes it is,” replies the man. “Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks. “OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. “Fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy’s father says ”Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.” “I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy. “How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. “Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says. “SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,” the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says,
“Hey...It’s dark in here.”
The priest responded, “Let's not start THIS again...”
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Post by captainspyder on Nov 22, 2006 13:38:02 GMT
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
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Post by trencher on Oct 9, 2007 13:52:16 GMT
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Post by CaptainHeff on Nov 1, 2007 18:50:36 GMT
Definition of true bravery........ coming home drunk, covered in lipstick, smelling of perfume, then smacking the wife on the arse and saying "Your next fatty!"
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